Childhood trauma leaves profound impacts, often hidden for Black women. While we are resilient, intelligent, and driven, many of us carry silent burdens that influence our lives in unseen ways. Could it be that one reason so many accomplished women make unwise relationship choices is that nearly 60% experienced sexual abuse prior to turning 18?

I am one of those women.

My abuse began when I was just five, at the hands of one of my father’s cousins, and continued until I was around ten, when another cousin took his place. For years, I lived in fear and confusion, unable to articulate the weight of the trauma I bore.

At twelve, I convinced my mother that I was responsible enough to care for myself and my brother. This ended the abuse, yet the scars remained. The trauma sowed seeds of insecurity, doubt, and a distorted understanding of love. Those early wounds shaped my self-perception and interactions with the world, particularly with men.

I hold my abusers accountable for their actions, and I also blame my father for his absence when I needed protection the most. However, through my faith, I’ve come to realize that God ensures justice, as stated in His word. One of my abusers is no longer alive, and the other is no longer in his right mind. While this doesn’t erase the pain, it serves as a reminder that justice does manifest in some form.

For years, I viewed love as transactional and conditional. I believed that love required enduring whatever came with it, no matter how painful, because deep down, I felt undeserving of anything better. I struggled to demand respect, establish boundaries, or recognize genuine love when it appeared. How could I, when my foundational understanding of love was so tainted?

Reflecting now, I see how that abuse skewed my perception of love, and I know I’m not alone. Many beautiful, intelligent Black women find themselves in toxic relationships because the trauma we experienced as children left us vulnerable to confusing dysfunction for love.

The statistics are alarming, but the narratives behind those numbers are what truly matter. Sexual abuse is more than a singular event; it shatters innocence, trust, and self-worth. For many Black women, this experience casts a silent shadow into adulthood, influencing our partner choices, tolerances, and beliefs about what we deserve.

Growing up in the wake of abuse can distort one’s sense of normalcy. Toxic behaviors may feel familiar or even comfortable, as they echo the emotional chaos we faced as children. We gravitate toward what we know, even if it is unhealthy.

This isn’t about intelligence or strength—it’s about healing. And the truth is, healing requires time, grace, and significant unlearning.

For a long time, I didn’t understand how to heal. I quietly carried my pain, thinking it was a part of life, something I had to accept. Then, God intervened. Through His Word, I began to see myself not as damaged or broken, but as His masterpiece.

Psalm 139:14 became my guiding light: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” This verse reminded me that, despite my past, I remained whole in God’s eyes. I was not defined by my trauma but by my Creator.

Healing was not instantaneous, and it remains a journey. However, with each step, I’ve learned to reclaim my worth, establish boundaries, and understand that genuine love is unconditional and does not inflict pain.

Through faith, therapy, and community, I found the strength to break free from cycles of poor relationship choices. I’ve discovered that healing is achievable, but it necessitates both grace and proactive steps.

So, how can we break the cycle? How do we, as Black women, heal from the wounds that have shaped our lives for so long?

1. Acknowledge the Pain: The first step in healing is recognizing that we have been hurt. We cannot heal what we do not confront. It’s important to admit that abuse has impacted us and continues to affect our choices today.
3. Lean on Your Faith: Nothing is beyond God’s ability to heal. His love is unconditional, and through Him, we can discover our identity and worth. Immerse yourself in Scripture and let His truth remind you of who you are in Him.
5. Seek Help: Healing is not a solitary journey. Therapy, faith-based counseling, or support groups can provide a safe environment to process trauma and embark on recovery. Surround yourself with a community that fosters your growth and healing.
7. Redefine Love: Healthy love does not hurt. It is not manipulative or controlling. As we heal, we learn to identify love that aligns with God’s definition—love that is patient, kind, and founded on mutual respect (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

If you have traveled a similar path, know that you are not alone. Healing is possible, and your story can inspire others. Let’s break the silence surrounding these issues. Share your experiences, engage with your sisters, and initiate conversations within your circles. Healing begins with community, openness, and faith.

Together, we can cultivate spaces that celebrate healing and affirm our worth.

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673

Resources for Surviviors of Child Sexual Abuse: Click HERE.

How can we better support Black girls who’ve gone through this?

What steps can we take to break this cycle and create healthier futures for ourselves and our daughters?

This journey is not easy, but it is worthwhile. We are not defined by the trauma we have endured but by the God who created us. He is crafting a new narrative—one of redemption, healing, and love. I pray that you, my sisters, find the strength to embark on your healing journey and the courage to demand the love you deserve. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that truth remains unchangeable.

In the debut post of our new series, I will address questions from our Faithful Femme Noir community. I am thrilled to explore real-life challenges through the lens of scripture with you. While I share my perspective, I recommend seeking advice from your local pastor and trusted friends for additional wisdom on your faith journey.

Today’s question is a common struggle that many of us face:

Girl, I feel you. We’ve all been in that waiting room of life, wondering if God is going to show up before we lose all patience! But let me reassure you, just because there’s a delay doesn’t mean God has forgotten. He hears you. He’s with you. And He’s always working, even when you can’t see it.

Let’s look at what the Bible says about waiting on the Lord.

1. Trust God’s Timing, Not Your Own

I know it’s tough when things aren’t happening on your timeline, but remember this: God’s timing is perfect. The Word says in Habakkuk 2:3, “For still the vision awaits its appointed time… If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come.”

God sees the whole picture when we can only see a piece. Sometimes He’s aligning people and circumstances behind the scenes in ways we’ll never fully understand. Don’t mistake the silence for absence. He’s working it all out for your good (Romans 8:28). Trust that when the time is right, God will deliver, and it’ll be more than you even asked for.

2. Stay Persistent in Prayer

I know it’s tempting to stop praying when you’re not seeing results. But keep going, Sis! 1 Thessalonians 5:17 tells us to “pray without ceasing.” Even when it feels like your words are bouncing off the walls, they are reaching God’s ears. He’s listening.

Remember the persistent widow in Luke 18? She kept going back to the judge until he gave her justice. Jesus tells us to be like that—persistent, unwavering, and full of faith. Keep knocking on the door because God is faithful to answer (Matthew 7:7).

3. Grow While You Wait

“But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles…” (Isaiah 40:31)

Sis, waiting isn’t just about passing time—it’s about what God is doing in you while you wait. The waiting room is God’s classroom. He’s using this time to build your character, strengthen your faith, and prepare you for the blessing ahead. Just like clay being molded by the potter (Jeremiah 18:6), God is shaping you into something beautiful.

So instead of asking, “Why is this taking so long?” ask, “What is God teaching me in this season?” Lean into the growth. You’re being refined for something greater.

4. Remember God’s Faithfulness

When you start feeling discouraged, look back at the times God has already come through for you. Reflect on His faithfulness. The Bible says, “The Lord is not slow to fulfill His promise as some count slowness” (2 Peter 3:9). What feels like a delay to us is actually God moving at the perfect pace for His plan.

He’s never failed you before, and He won’t start now. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves of that truth when the enemy tries to fill our hearts with doubt.

5. Shift Your Focus to God Himself

This one’s big: Sometimes we get so focused on the answer that we forget the Answerer. Psalm 37:7 says, “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.”

Worship Him while you wait. Praise Him even before the breakthrough. Use this time to draw closer to God, not just for what He can give, but for who He is. Let your heart rest in His presence, knowing He’s got you, even when the answers are still on the way.

In Conclusion: Hold On!

I know waiting can be hard, but don’t lose heart. Keep praying, keep trusting, and keep reminding yourself of God’s faithfulness. He hears every prayer, even the ones you think are going unanswered. Remember, He is always on time.

And if you have any questions or need encouragement, send your questions my way! You can email me at hello@faithfulfemmenoir.com and I’ll do my best to respond in a future post. Remember, we’re in this together—lean on your sisters, your pastor, and your community of faith for support. We’re all learning and growing, and God is with us every step of the way.

Stay encouraged, and keep the faith!

Real love isn’t a spectator sport; it’s a full-contact game. It’s all about nudging others towards a path that pleases the higher powers. Sometimes that means calling out behaviors or beliefs that don’t align with the good book, not to be holier-than-thou, but out of genuine care for their spiritual journey.

As Christians, we’re not meant to dodge all judgment calls. Jesus himself nudges us to be fair and kind in our assessments, steering clear of hypocritical critiques. So, let’s not rush to judge but aim to discern right from wrong, following the divine GPS of the Bible.
When we judge with love and humility, it’s like sprinkling confetti of goodness in the air, helping keep the church sparkly and nudging fellow believers towards a shinier faith journey. And hey, when we do judge, let’s do it with a side of humility and a sprinkle of self-reflection, aiming for healing, not finger-pointing, as the wise words of Galatians 6:1 remind us.

In the realm of wisdom, Jesus is the ultimate, balancing grace and truth like a pro (John 1:14). He welcomed the wanderers with open arms but never strayed from the facts. His message was crystal clear: turn around, embrace a better life, and shine like a beacon of divine goodness. As his squad, we’re all about following in his epic footsteps – dishing out grace while staying true to Scripture’s wisdom.

In a world of extremes – from harsh critics to overly chill vibes that dilute the gospel – we’re here to rock a different beat. One filled with love, fair play, and a rock-solid commitment to the truth. Let’s journey together, echoing his wisdom, and building a tight-knit crew with a shared mission and vibe.

Within the intricate tapestry of faith, embracing Christianity signifies more than mere nice-ness; it involves embodying the transformative essence of the Gospel, mirroring the radiant love and purity exemplified by Christ. As His followers, our sacred obligation is to demonstrate deep empathy, speak truth with courage, and navigate moral dilemmas—all while decorated with the virtues of humility and elegance.

For those aiming to incorporate these divine principles into their everyday routines, connecting with sacred scriptures, engaging in prayer for divine guidance, and engaging in heartfelt discussions with fellow believers for spiritual solace are beneficial. The journey of faith is a collective effort, requiring shared resilience to uphold and embody virtues that reflect our Lord and Savior.